Attack Followout

I've been depressed and I'm embarrassed to talk about it. In fact, I've been avoiding the topic, hoping it would just get better - but it isn't getting better. In fact it's getting worse. It's not like every moment of every day is horrible, but I feel trapped. I've become agoraphobic due to the auras and seizure. I'm afraid of getting too hot, becoming too stressed, getting stuck where it's too bright, too noisy, too many people, too intense of questions, of hearing a Romanian accent, the speed of moving vehicles, the list goes on. I know I sound ridiculous, and I'm disgusted with myself, but I'm just completely overwhelmed. I worked my way up to Eric and Laura's wedding, resting the week before, mentally preparing myself. I really, really wanted to go the wedding, and I was nervous, but I made it. Originally, I felt like it might be too much, and I asked Danny to go without me, but he refused. He didn't want to leave me. So, I pushed through to make sure I could make it. I didn't want to be the reason why Dan wasn't able to attend his best friend's wedding. Everything worked out fine, we had a WONDERFUL time, but now, getting back to life with the move and everything, it's tough. 

It's incredibly hard to understand the waves of dizziness, of the overheating and physical dynamics that happen when my body is stressed. It can come in an instant, when you're least expecting.

I'm terrified to leave the house. I've tried getting to the store, or for a walk or two - always with Dan, but I feel unsafe getting very far away from our home. We've had to cut our outings short, or the fear overcomes me as we're just leaving and I stay home while Dan runs errands. I wish I could explain how it feels. It's a combination of getting nauseous, feeling like your body is melting from the inside out, internally combusting. Imagine a wax figure melting down, that's how my body physically feels when I'm having an aura or seizure, or that I'm a robot that has been sprayed with water, that I'm short circuiting. 

I'm working all of these issues with my therapist, and I actually have homework - I'm supposed to get out of the house every day. There's different specific tasks, but it's too much. Even before this attack I still didn't leave the house every single day, I was too tired. The homework alone from counseling is more exhausting that I normally have to deal with. 

I feel trapped, fearful, exhausted, scared, distrustful of my body, and incredibly sad. If you've never had a seizure or an aura, I don't know how to explain it accurately. It's horrible.

At this point, I only leave the house with Dan or someone from my family. I'm afraid to try and get out and then have a seizure out on a random street as I walk. I'm terrified to not be able to call for help. I'm terrified to push it and make things worse. I had no idea that this attack would hurt me so badly, that it could effect me this much. That it would immobilize me, imprison me, and completely ruin my quality of life.

Theoretically, I know I will get better, but my soul and my heart are hurting. Sometimes, this journey is harder than I expect. 

Thank you for the birthday wishes yesterday. I am officially 32. All day I thought about when Dan turned 32. A month later, I was diagnosed with my tumor. Poor guy. He didn't exactly have the best 32nd year. Although mine is getting off to a rocky start, I'm hoping it will just get better and better. 

It was a beautiful day, and I was able to fill it with wonderfully happy things like weeding in our little garden, painting a little mirror, unpacking the bedroom, doing laundry, painting a wall, visiting with Meghan, and watching the Olympics. I did more in a day than I would usually do in a week. It was fabulous, but I'm worn down. Perhaps that's why I feel so sad. That, or the fact that I'm dealing with quite a bit. Hard to say. 

Birthday flowers from Meghan

I'm Back!

I've been writing and erasing this blog post for two days. I keep trying, but there's just so much that has happened. It's all overwhelming. There's so much to say, and yet I don't even want to think about it. On the other hand, I want to purge, to barf it all out and then maybe I'll feel better.

Thank you so much for being patient with me. The past few weeks have been a blur.

I've had an aura while shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond and a small seizure the next day at Target while shopping for a new shower curtain and bath mat. Too bad I didn't figure out the connection until it happened twice. After that, I was home bound. I was lightheaded, dizzy, and slept 15-16 hours a day. I didn't leave the house for a week, and I was still incredibly dizzy and nauseous, but I was desperate to get to a counselor to talk about what happened. Instead of trying to get on two buses to get to the therapist, I scheduled a taxi. While I was riding in the taxi, we didn't get more than three blocks from my house, I had an aura. I desperately pleaded to the taxi driver to stop the car. He had been talking, and his accent was similar to my attacker's. I don't know if it was the stress from the moving vehicle, the light from the sunny day, the fact that I was headed to a counselor to talk about the incident, or the accent that put me over the edge. I asked the taxi driver to slowly get me home and I had to cancel the therapy session. I also rescheduled the appointment for the following day with the detective so that Dan could join me. I was afraid that I might have an aura, or a seizure, and I needed the moral and physical support of Danny. Dan knows tricks to stop an aura from turning into a seizure. He keeps ice water near me, puts the pills under my tongue, helps isolate me from bright lights, and sounds. He gently massages my scalp or temples, and gets me breathing regularly.

So, tomorrow morning, my dad and I are going to leave an hour early for a new counseling appointment. He will pull over if I'm dizzy or sick, or if I start to get vertigo (first step of an aura). We will give an hour to get 15 minutes, but I am determined to get mental help. For the first time in years, I really need professional help to get through this.

We've postponed the UCLA tests twice because we were afraid of my health situation, the stress could induce seizures. We were supposed to fly this Sunday and I would have the tests Monday, and Tuesday with a brain surgery on Thursday, but I am in no state for a brain surgery, let alone travel. We spoke via email with my fabulous neurosurgeon, Dr Liau, and told her everything. She agreed that it would be best to put off the trial until I'm back on my feet, when I'm emotionally, physically, and mentally healthy. At this point, we are expecting to continue the testing and brain surgery sometime in the middle of October. We feel that this will give me the time to get back to walking, then running, to leave the house and make it to the grocery store with company then finally on my own. I have not left the house alone since my first aura. I have not made it to a store since the seizure over a week ago. I just walked the lake with Danny for the first time two days ago. I am taking baby steps, and I'm still dealing with an incredible amount of stress due to the ongoing criminal investigation (not to mention our landlords who are friends with the maintenance man...things have been ugly).

I appreciate all of your support, so does Danny - and of course, my whole family. I will get through this, just like all of the other little things that I've conquered in the past. No one will keep me down. I have more health issues than most, but I know how to slowly work back into a normal state. In no time, I will be independent (able to leave the home alone), healthy, and happy again.

After my therapy appointment tomorrow morning, the sexual crimes detective is coming by for my statement. Tomorrow will be a HUGE day. More than once I have wished that I didn't have to report this crime, that I could just fall into a bottle of wine and never discuss what happened ever again. But I know that if I remain silent, this pervert will attack another woman in her home. And maybe next time it'll be worse. I never would have expected this man to hurt me in any way, and that, in my opinion, is the worst kind of offender. They make you feel safe, then once they gain your trust......

I've sobbed a bunch, and have been so confused, but I know that will survive this. This trusting island girl needs to recognize that there are very bad people out there, and sometimes your flags don't turn red. It makes me sad.

After such a serious post, I'd like to share a fun text message that made me laugh...