Showing posts with label UCLA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label UCLA. Show all posts

2.27.2017

Even if Just for Today, We Persevered

Each moment bleeds into the next, with so many responsibilities, so many tasks to complete. It's exhausting. But, today, we did it! This morning, it took walking around the UCLA campus to different departments, a lot of explaining, and some phone calls, but we completed our mission. Thank you to everyone who offered their assistance, and appointments, I didn't see all those until later, but it ended up working out! You guys are AWESOME.

Sometimes in life, no matter how creative, and persistent, you get, you run out of time and options, and I'm just thrilled that we were able to fulfill this need, this desire. 

I completed the pre-op MRI this evening at a UCLA alternative location (Santa Monica). Same style, 3 tesla machine, which was important to me, because I want my radiology reports to match. MRI machines can have different strengths (ex: 3 tesla vs 1.5 tesla), also they can have different amounts of slices (ex: 1mm, 2mm, 3mm vs 4mm). My goal is to keep everything as standard as possible between scans so that they're easier to compare. Anyway, they were able to facilitate the same pre-op scan that was scheduled for Thursday. The functional MRI is still slated for Thursday afternoon, which will determine if I'll need to do an awake craniotomy or if I just get to take a sexy little horror movie nap.

My relief is palpable, if not temporary, for the stress of tomorrow's cognitive and competency testing which will be several hours of mental acrobatics and interviewing. These test are a baseline for when I get out of surgery, to compare any possible deficits. That way they'll know what kind of assistance I may need (physical, language, and/or occupational therapy). 

Wearing Resilience socks, thinking about all the other patients out there in my same shoe....er.....socks?

I'm bone tired, but elated that I was able to follow my intuition, and find some answers in all of this madness. I'm not expecting a miracle of healing (although I never rule anything out), but I am a tangible person who needs explanations and information to feel comfortable about big decisions. 

I understand that I am living with brain tumors up in this noggin'. I'm not pretending anything otherwise, but I feel incredibly capable, and healthy, and before I can comfortably sacrifice my body to the table, I have to feel assured. Even though this is my fourth brain surgery, it has not gotten any easier. In fact, I'm noticing that everything is becoming more difficult. I'm losing my pain threshold, I can sense my body, my spirit, remembering the trauma of all these surgeries, especially the one where I almost died. That pain, that subconscious awareness surged through me today as they inched the MRI needle closer to my vein. It was in the powerful magnet of the MRI that forced every cell in my brain to shift in different degrees, to manipulate my fat cells, and water cells, the tissue forming into just the right image to see what is going on in my head. It took everything in my being to hold back a seizure. To hold back tears of how brutal my body has been and continues to be treated. 

If she [my body] was a person on her own, my poor little Body, I would want to take her by the hand, and pull her close. I would rock her, in empathy, and hum her a beautiful melody. It wouldn't change the damage, but I would do everything in my power to console her. 

She's done so much for me, and I keep abusing her. 

It's not what I want, but my choices are limited.


Can't Fly Blind

Been scrambling to get a MRI since Friday, because I know that I can't walk into this surgery blind. I haven't seen what's going on in my brain for almost two months, and things can change. I'm not saying that the tumors are gone, or that they've shrunk, or even that they haven't exploded in growth, but my intuition keeps nagging at me that I must know what's going on up there before I am at peace before the bone saw.

I don't think my request is that unreasonable, however, it's just not how things are done in medicine. Right now, if nothing changes, I'm scheduled for my MRI, and fMRI, this Thursday, the afternoon before my early morning checkin for tumor removal. The problem is that radiology reports take 24-48 hours to complete, and I've been told by my surgeon, and the team at UCLA, that we won't have that report in time for surgery. Apparently the actual radiology report (which measures changes from previous scans, and compares growth, etc. isn't necessary for surgery).

But what if there are changes? I don't even know what's going on up there. 

I don't know why I need this so badly, but I don't want to lose my surgery date, we have uprooted our whole lives, taken time off of work, set up help at our home for our cat, traveled, adjusted, planned, and now I'm told that even with a week's notice, I can't get an MRI to see what's going on in my brain.

I asked for an additional MRI to see if we could facilitate that. I offered to pay if insurance doesn't cover it. We have called facilities all over the Los Angeles area and I can't get an MRI without a doctor's referral. THIS IS MY BODY. THIS IS MY BRAIN. Why is it so difficult for me to get this simple request?? I am the customer. I have insurance. What is going on here, in medicine, that I cannot be an effective advocate for my body?? It is not unreasonable for me to get a 45 minute MRI before a surgery, to be put at ease, so that I can undergo a life or death situation. Let's face it, it's a very dangerous operation. This is not a broken bone, it's my mind they're digging into.

I don't want to push back the surgery date, I don't want to work with anyone other than Dr L. I have 100% faith in her, and I am grateful for her compassion and meticulousness. She's brilliant and I absolutely adore her. I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to be her patient and to have the ability to get whatever amount of tumor she's able to successfully remove, but I just need to see/know what's going on in my head before I can feel comfortable. I'm even having dreams about it. The desire is permeating everything I do. My intuition is going full force. 

So, dad and I woke up in the 5 am hour and we're headed to UCLA neuro today, to talk to people face-to-face. To be clear (since writing may not convey my tone), I'm not angry, I'm just hopeful that by sharing my deep need, and being available all day, perhaps there will be some people working there that can help facilitate my needs. I know I'm being a pain, and that it's an abnormal request, but I just feel this so deeply. 

My gut has served me in the past, and I won't start ignoring it now. Even if the tumors are shockingly massive, at least I will know, and I can be prepared for what lays ahead.

I call her Mary, our Jasmine vine.
She perfumes us as we leave, and cleanses us every time we arrive.

1.30.2017

UCLA Update 2017

I hesitate to talk about it, because I don't want to exploit the beauty, but on Saturday, because of the Skid Row Carnival of Love, I had the opportunity to meet a man who lives on The streets in LA. 

Dan and I on our way to Skid Row Carnival of Love

We're down here for medical reasons, and I was supposed to spend this weekend relaxing, finding my truth, maybe soaking up some sun, following my intuition, making decisions on what to do for treatment, but when I realized I had an opportunity to connect, for life to not be about me, my own issues, I knew it would make me happier than spending time reading a book, or thinking about life or my own issues. 

Yep, again I realize retrospectively, I'm not taking care of myself. Or am I? I mean, each day we make make decisions, each moment, depending on the pace, on what fulfills us, that which can also heal us.

I wanted to do for others, for Mike my new friend from NC, what I have done for my own grandma, what Dan does for me, I wanted to wash feet. 

There's this raw humanity of touching feet. It's vulnerable, and raw, and for people to open themselves to that private pocket of their life, it's incredibly endearing. That Mike trusted me, and that I could give him human touch.

My god we laughed!! I couldn't deny his quarterback, Cam Newton (who I always refer to as a transformer - have you seen him???), and he kept hollering toward Dan, "Blue 42 - Blue 42. He's a big boy!"


It has been an insane weekend of connecting, and loving, and until last night and today, I was worried about others, and trusting that the universe had my back. That's a wonderful thing, but also dangerous, because we are the only ones who can take care of ourselves. No one can tell me what to do, no one can tell me what is best, I have to find my inner voice, I have to reconnect with what feels right in my soul.

This morning we were told that the areas in my brain are most likely resectable. My god that is GREAT news. Regardless of the reality of a brain surgery. (No small potatoes.) In every moment when I receive complicated news, we immediately spin it. I have lost so many brain tumor friends because their tumors were inoperable, and I recognize the good fortune in my life. 

For now we will focus on removing negative influences, drains, and we will be enforcing a fabulous new protocol that includes a multi-focal awesome new set of rules that focus on laughter, fresh air, connecting, and loving. Sometimes you have to bring it back to the basics, and heal before you can help others. It feels horribly uncomfortable, but I have work to do during these next few weeks until surgery. 

I want to live. I want to learn. I love to love. And to make that happen, I have to focus.

Thank you for loving us, for supporting us, and I am so sorry that I'm not able to respond to everyone - the amazing comments and FB posts, or IG posts, my phone - the texts, calls, emails - they mean SO MUCH to me, they lift me up, which lifts up Dan - because honestly, Dan gets the brunt of carrying the weight. He is the silent hero. I know you see it, you have to. I would be a completely different person without his strength.

And thank you for sending your prayers, and love, after that last post, I swear your love was absolutely palpable! I couldn't even believe it! When I receive that love, it overwhelms my body in a way that I finally calm down, and rest. I laugh more, I feel that energy. So thank you! I just need to heal so that I can give it right back to you, to everyone. 

10.24.2016

UCLA Tumor Board Results

Dang it if brain tumor life isn't confusing. At least in my world! I can't be the only one who has these types of yoyo results. I mean, it's better to have differing results than a truly horrible, obvious situation. The ups and downs, though are insane. 



If you don't want to watch the whole video (3 min 44 sec), the short is: tumor is growing, albeit slowly. (Think millimeters.) I believe the two treatments I added in the past two months, are helping - who knows, maybe the tumor had grown more in the interim, and now they're even shrinking it? Who knows! I rule out nothing.

My neurosurgeon at UCLA offered a brain surgery to remove whatever she can, or she said she is "comfortable" waiting 2-3 months for another stealth (pre-op) MRI. I opted for the latter, and agreed that if I had furthering symptoms, I would move up the scan.

Some people might think I'm crazy to push-off brain surgery, since I have a growing tumor in my brain, but there are inherent risks involved. Remember when I had to learn how to walk, talk, read - learn the alphabet again?! I do. We will never know for sure if the decisions that we make are the best ones, but a decision is what we have before us. For now, we try to do the least invasive approach. If that isn't enough, we will evolve as we always have.

It's confusing because the symptoms of my seizures are the same symptoms that tumor growth would cause. The main take away right now is that it's important for me to stay the course on exactly what I'm doing treatment-wise, and perhaps even add a few non-toxic, whole body health boosting things. And I really need to lower my stress levels. They directly cause extra seizures, and that makes diagnosing possible tumor growth, very difficult.

With all that being said, I should go to bed. I have a big day planned with a bunch of friends tomorrow. We're doing a nature hike in an old growth forest. I'm so excited! I'll be sure to hug some trees for all of ya. ;-)

10.20.2016

Half of the MRI Results (Swedish vs UCLA)

Basic update about our current and upcoming results for treatment.


10.11.2016

New Neurosurgeon, New MRI Scheduled


Just snuck and took a video in my first neurosurgeon's apppointmet at Swedish, in Seattle. At the end of the video you can see a slice of my brain, which includes the brain tumor. Yuuuuck!!! It's gross. Every. Time. I. See. It. The image is from back in April, so it's not even current.

On this Thursday, I have a MRI and cerebral fluid scan to evaluate the growth, and see how much blood is going to the tumor. The fluid scan tracks the metabolic activity which requires more blood than regular tissue.

Will meet with a new neurooncologist after the scan. Then I will upload my images to UCLA's system and hope I get in for next Wednesday's tumor board. It's frustrating that they only review cases once a week. If there's a backlog it can take weeks, even a month, to get results on treatment recommendations.

Big day today, but an even bigger one on Thurs. Fingers crossed that all of my little issues are treatment effects, not tumor growth. I believe in miracles. And in my opinion, it only takes one to change your life.

8.11.2016

Bus Bacteria Bad. Brain Bacteria Good.

Hey Guys,

What is it about summer that causes it to go faster, and faster, and faster, until you lose your mind? Or get sick. I get sick every few years, and never in the summer, but lucky me, that's exactly what just happened. I must have licked my fingers after touching things on the city bus or something. (Gross!) But life doesn't stop when you get sick - kinda like cancer.

I'm busy with gloriously fun things like promoting the MLD docu-series with interviews, corresponding with tumor patients/caregivers, and visiting with out-of-town friends, all peppered with doctor appointments.

I'm not sleeping well because of headaches, which is a constant reminder of the fact that my brain tumor is growing again. I'm fine during the day, I'm so busy that I can't even keep up, but at night, as soon as I'm vertical, the pressure in my head grows intense. It's come to the point where I am back to relying on headache medicine. I hate having to do that. I'm grateful that my seizures have remained stable, though, which feels like a Christmas miracle.

I like to think that the headaches are because I'm doing too much, trying to conquer too many things, maybe I'm not organized enough, anything but the mass of rogue cells multiplying in the folds of my brain.

Last weekend I turned 36, and although birthday goals are a newer thing for me, I have it in my head that I want to live past age 40, and not be sporting a wheelchair/walker while I enjoy my cake (although decorating those items sound kind of awesome). That fear is based off of my horrible luck with brain surgeries. Granted the most recent one healed pretty well, but man if that second brain surgery didn't give me a run for my money.

Good God, I'm in a morbid mood. Must be the fever.

That doesn't mean I don't want to live a long life - obviously I do - I just want to make baby goals, which feel sustainable.

A famous Bonnie Birthday cake. Delish!

I'm scared for this next brain surgery, and unsure if I will do it at UCLA like my previous one. If I have to endure a 4th brain surgery, I want to make it count. Originally, the back-to-back brain surgeries in 2010 were at University of Washington in Seattle, then I wanted to do the clinical trial using dendtric cell therapy for diffuse astrocytoma which was at UCLA, so I headed down there. You may remember that after the surgery, I was told my tumor didn't meet the parameters of the trial (my tumor tissue was too integrated with healthy tissue). That forced me to Germany trying to get my own dendritic cell therapy. There aren't many clinical trials for my type of tumor, or grade, so we are forced to get worse before we can hope to get better. That's the system that I'm in. It sucks. So I need to continue my search for possible brain surgeons that are offering more than just a surgery. I want try something innovative, something more. I'm not sure if I'll find anything, but I kind of want someone to put bacteria in my brain.

Okay, I still have two more phone meetings tonight and I lost my voice, so before I lose all ability to think I'd better wrap this up. I do have more exciting news, though. Danny and I are being flown down to LA next week for the premier, and a showing of My Last Days. We get to go see everyone who filmed, and meet the rest of the folks that were featured. I can't wait! I mean, I can wait because I want to be healthy. Otherwise I might have to show up in a bubble so that I don't infect anyone. I will now power down my brain for a quick quiet moment. Sending everyone love, and thank you as always for loving and supporting us!


5.17.2016

UCLA MRI Results: Surgery Needed

I finally received my secondary results from the MRI. Unfortunately, UCLA believes there has been interval progression, and they are recommending brain surgery. I don't know if I could stomach a fourth surgery, but before I can commit to that anyway, I've requested a f-DOPA pet scan to verify that it is indeed tumor growth. F-DOPA pet scans can differentiate between tumor cells vs scar tissue or inflammation.

It's confusing to hear conflicting results from two different centers, but that's nothing new for me. At this point, I'm waiting for insurance to approve the scan. Next, we'll schedule the scan, and then we will review the results to see if we are dealing with a recurrence. Between now and then, we scramble for alternative plans for survival. I know that sounds alarmist, but I say it with tongue in cheek.

As always, I'll keep you abreast. (That word always makes me laugh, so I had to throw it in there.)


PS It's my brother's birthday today, so if you see him, please don't say anything until tomorrow! xo

11.10.2015

UW Radiology Report

University of Washington just emailed me my radiology report, and since I can easily copy and paste, I thought I would post it here in case it might be helpful to others. UCLA doesn't provide a radiology report at their Tumor Board, however in the last post I included their opinion on my brain scan (hint: they think my tumor is growing). Now, because of the differences in opinion, we wait for the private third party review from Iris Radiology to determine if I'm in the early stages of a recurrence or whether the differences in findings are more a matter of MRI reading techniques.

Narrative

EXAMINATION:
MRI BRAIN WO/W CONT

CLINICAL INDICATION:
History of left parietal infiltrating astrocytoma status post resection.

TECHNIQUE:
MRI Head Tumor (Primary) contrast plus post GD SAG T1 (Glioma /GBM)(B 2PT)

Non-contrast Head: Axial T1, axial T2, axial diffusion.
Post-contrast Head: 3D FLAIR (Sag, Ax, & Cor), axial diffusion. Axial, coronal
& sagittal T1.

CONTRAST:
Prohance 15 ml 10/24/2015 08:10 AM INTRAVENOUS


COMPARISON:
Multiple prior MRIs of the brain, most recent dated 3/22/2015.

FINDINGS:
Post surgical changes compatible with left parietal craniotomy and tumor
resection again noted. Surrounding FLAIR hyperintensity is unchanged. There is
no evidence of new areas of enhancement at the resection site or elsewhere in
the brain parenchyma. A right frontal developmental venous anomaly is noted.

Incidental note of small intracranial right vertebral artery flow void again
noted and unchanged from 3/22/2015. Otherwise, the major vascular flow voids
through the circle of Willis are patent.

The ventricles and sulci are unchanged in size. There is stable ex vacuo
dilatation of the left lateral ventricle due to volume loss.

Orbital structures and extracranial soft tissues are normal.

ATTENDING RADIOLOGIST AND PAGER NUMBER
##############

11.05.2015

Updated MRI Results

I'm in my happy place, Green Lake. I mean, don't get me wrong - Edmonds is my home. We've grown roots and continue to be nurtured there, but Green Lake has held my hand throughout the majority of our cancer journey. I always find myself at Peet's Coffee & Tea shop at Green Lake sipping on a matcha latte (unsweetened, almond milk - please don't forget the extra scoop of matcha) when I'm dealing with MRI madness. It's my treat on MRI days. It's where I go to celebrate reports, or stress over the ambiguous findings. 


I'm here in the city for a last minute doctor's appointment, and have been managing the details of our "recurrence" all day (emails, phone calls between doctors and insurance). Here's the information from UCLA. 

UCLA: They reviewed your scans last week [at the tumor board] and feel like there are mild subtle changes so it is suggested that radiation would be a good thing to start at this point. They also mentioned a clinical trial involving an IDH1inhibitor. Perhaps you should meet with them [radiation oncologist & neuro oncologist] to discuss your options.

Me: When the tumor board meets, and there are recommendations given, is there a report that I can access and review? I assume there is some sort of documentation of the process.

UCLA: We don't really have a written report per say that I can provide you.

Me: I'm curious because, when you say there has been progression, I would like to see the measurements, and assessments of the increased disease. As you know I send the copy of the UW's MRI scan to UCLA, along with the radiology report from UW, and their report didn't reflect your findings. It's confusing to me that you would find changes that they did not find.

UCLA: It's been subtle changes over time, of the T2 FLAIR signal. I don't know if UW compared all of your scans.

Me: Yes, the radiology report from UW did compare back the scans for the past few years.

UCLA: Well, they reviewed it at our tumor board and they found subtle mild changes over time. One radiologist might see something different or use different techniques. Also, it was very mild changes. Once again, it might be worth meeting with the neuro and radiation oncologists to discuss your options. Just to see what your options are at this point.

Me: So, is it more of a FLAIR issue as opposed to a nodular issue? 

UCLA: Yes, it's mostly FLAIR. There was no enhancing nodular lesions. 

Me: So, going back to January 2013, I've been doing an immuno therapy, a dendritic cell therapy, and I had recently received a shot about three weeks before the MRI. So I'm wondering if there's any possibility that the treatment could be effecting the FLAIR. If you're concerned about the FLAIR, which I assume you mean brightness - as opposed to size of the area - perhaps it could be correlated with treatment effect?

UCLA: So you started the treatment in January 2013? And how long have you been doing the vaccine, and how often?

Me: Ten shots the first year, then every other month in the second year, then every third month this year. 

UCLA: I mean, yes, that could be playing a part in it too. What I can do is confirm with Dr L that you were doing the dendritic cell vaccine, because that will play a part in how they [tumor board] read it. I'm not sure if they had that listed [as one of your treatments]. I had the Newcastle Disease Virus listed.

Me: Yes! That's the one. Great.

UCLA: Oh, okay. Well, I didn't realize that was a dendritic cell vaccine. And perhaps that could account for some of how they were reading it. I mean it was very subtle, very mild, but as you know as soon as they see any changes they prefer you to start chemo and radiation and do some standard treatments.

Me: Yep, that makes sense. So if it's an increase in FLAIR is that something that a DOPA-PET scan would pick up? 

UCLA: Um, yes, you could possibly have another DOPA, the only thing is that the DOPA is no longer being manufactured. It's not available to anyone at this point, for whatever reason. 

Me: How long has that been?

UCLA: Recently. Perhaps a month. There's other types of PET scans that you can do, though. Let me reconfirm with Dr L to see what she might recommend. I don't think we knew that you were on a dendritic cell vaccine. It could definitely play a part in what they're thinking. I don't really know because I was not at the tumor board meeting.

Me: Well, if you don't mind talking with Dr L to see what she thinks about the dendritic cell vaccine and imaging - along with any possible scans that could be beneficial to differentiate between inflammation/scar tissue that would be great. These scans are very tricky.

UCLA: Yes, well there are differences in reading techniques. You send it here and our radiologists may pick up on something. And we didn't know you were doing a dendritic cell vaccine because that could definitely cause an increase in FLAIR.

Me: If it's an increase in FLAIR that is definitely something to be concerned about. I did, however, have two shots of the pure NDV and then a followup with the vaccine about three weeks prior to the MRI. I had been told to give it at least two weeks between, but who knows, maybe I had a larger effect.

UCLA: Well she definitely said it was very subtle, and very mild. I'll just reconfirm that there isn't another scan or something that she would like. 

In the meantime, I reached out to the German clinic explaining the two differing views and mentioned that we will have a third independent opinion in a few weeks. Today, I received a response that they think a MRI in six months is sufficient. Although they are curious to hear what the third reading would find. I imagine that if the third, independent review, finds a recurrence is likely, we will adjust and increase my immuno treatments. (Among other things of course.)

I also heard back from UCLA and they definitely believe that the dendritic cell therapy could be to blame regarding the FLAIR. They said that they would have read the MRI differently had they known that I was getting DC therapy. I thought that was odd since I have always been open and honest with Dr L. They have all my notes of everything I'm doing and have done. The truth is that they didn't really review my file before the tumor board. 

The recommendation is to conduct a FDG-PET or another MRI in three months. So now I wonder, would they have ever recommended radiation or a clinical trial had they read my patient notes, or would they have considered me "stable, no change"? Of course, we will never know, but I feel much better about this possible "recurrence". 

So the next step? We wait for the review from the independent radiologist. They're not affiliated with any treatment center which makes me feel more confident about their opinions. They don't recommend treatments, only analyze images. They don't take insurance, but at times like this their expertise is invaluable. It will probably be a few weeks before we have more information. Since the German doctors seem optimistically cautious, I feel pretty good myself. They did not recommend moving up my treatment schedule, nor did they recommend adjusting the formula. Since we're just waiting for more information, now I have to figure out how I want to absorb this situation. I feel like it's an opportunity to hit the ground running with my health. A reboot in diet, and exercise, and attitude. 

And it is not escaping me how quickly they were willing to throw me into radiation and a clinical trial. There is a very high probability that my FLAIR signal is just treatment response cleaning out cancer cells. This is why it is so incredibly important to ask as many questions as possible. To hit every target you can. To trust your gut and verify, then verify, then get another INDEPENDENT opinion. I believe that if I would have sent for a third opinion at a treating hospital, they would very likely find a reason to corroborate UCLA's results. There is almost a backroom handshake thing that goes on between cancer centers because they don't want to get sued. They don't want to go against the grain. They don't want to disprove another center's recommendations of treatment because they could get burned by a true positive later. Then the patients get pissed, sometimes so pissed that they engage in litigation. 

You must be in charge of your own care. You must treat results with a heavy dose of skepticism. You must always try to find objective sources to review your files (a place that will not benefit by the outcome of your results). 

UCLA may be correct in their findings. Perhaps the tumor is growing slightly, subtly, over time, but if it's that hard to discern then we should be able to snuff this puppy out! I just need to refocus and quit screwing around. 

The hardest part is diet. I've read and researched so many diets, so many success and horror stories of things working or not working and there are no absolutes. Certain diets work for some people, and other times they don't. I have to keep going back to the basics. The basics are that if you calorically restrict, it doesn't really matter what you eat. At least according to Seyfried's research. I wish I wasn't such a foodie. And by foodie I mean a big portion eater. 



I don't know if you can see the above chart very well, but from left to right the columns are: Unrestricted (UR) Standard American Diet (SD), Restricted (R) Standard American Diet (SD), Unrestricted (UR) Ketogenic Diet (KD), Restricted (R) Ketogenic Diet (KD). As you can clearly see, the Restricted (R) Standard American Diet (SD) actually achieves lower tumor burden than the Restricted (R) Ketogenic Diet (KD). So I'm not even convinced that cancer diets are as much about macronutrients (carbs, sugar, protein), as it is about quantity of food (total calories). Bad news for me the big burrito eating queen. Of course, if you restrict your diet calorically with the Standard American Diet and get those results, I wonder what the tumor burden would be if you restricted vegetarian, or vegan, or paleo, or [insert diet]. I would love to see a comparison of all the various diets under the same parameters. But at least we have this chart to assess. It's a start.

11.03.2015

Shit Shit Shit. Another Recurrence.

My my mind is all over the place. I don't quite know what to do.

Crap. CRAP. I just got off the phone with a representative from UCLA Neurosurgery. It looks like I have my third recurrence. I don't understand how University of Washington could have reviewed my most recent scan to past scans and felt there was no recurrence, yet UCLA is confident the tumor has grown.

I need more information. I've asked for copies of the notes from the UCLA tumor board, and their radiology review. I've asked for a callback from one of the doctors or physician's assistants, since Dr Liau is too busy to handle me personally anymore. I worry that this is going to turn into a thing. A frustrating thing where I will need more of their scientific reasoning, and proof that the tumor has grown. That I will need to see measurements, and assessments. What about a DOPA-PET scan. Remember that scan that I took in LA back in October of 2013? It's a special scan for low grade gliomas that will differentiate between tumor and scar tissue, clarifying the MRI images. Why didn't they ask for that? Do they think that my tumor has advanced in stage? (Uh-oh.)

I'm not surprised that the tumor has grown, it's what they do. But I'm not going to start a treatment program based on an office worker's forwarded information. I want to talk to the doctors, and the decision makers. I want to talk to people that can answer all of my questions. I am a patient, and I respect my doctors, but insurance, and our money goes to pay their bills. I deserve answers. Doctors are just contract workers. I think it's always important to treat them with respect, but I also believe that we should be treated like peers. If I want/need more information, I deserve to have it.

They would like me to start radiation, and possibly enter into the following clinical trial (clearly I'm going to need more information):

Phase: Phase I
Type: Biomarker/Laboratory analysis, Treatment
Age: 18 and over
Trial IDs: AG120-C-002, NCI-2014-00868, NCT02073994

Here comes another cancer trial, with it, a new motto.



10.28.2015

UCLA Tumor Board

Morning Guys!

Usually you never want immediate results from your doctor. Fast phone calls after an appointment or scan is often because they have something report. You never want something to report. That being said, I received a phone call from UCLA Neurosurgery yesterday morning. They had received my radiology report (in record time - it usually takes weeks) and they were emailing me instructions on how to upload the images. (Good thing I hadn't mailed the disk yet!) They recently upgraded their computer system and after a dead end at the library, I was able to go to my friend's house and upload the report. It took a total of four minutes! Talk about fast. That's way better than the several weeks it usually takes. It's not that the US mail takes that long, it's the web of the UCLA mail department, then the physical disk has to be uploaded by a UCLA employee. And since I was able to bypass all that noise, and uploaded it on a Tuesday, I was told that my brain scan will be up for review today at the tumor board.

Now, we were pretty excited about the UW radiology report of my brain, but after uploading the images, I scrolled through my brain and was reminded of how huge the tumor is. The amount of haze. The thick white area, and the diffuse area which spans, probably, a fifth of my brain matter. It's disturbing. And scary. After the last MRI we chose not to look at the images, it was too upsetting. That means it has been a year since we looked inside my brain. Naïvely, I keep hoping that the tumor has shrunk, but no such luck.

If we're lucky, we should have an update on the status of my tumor from UCLA later today, but most likely it will be tomorrow. There are a lot of patients who will be looking for their results. Lots of anxious people. It's amazing how these results can completely change the trajectory of your life. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a labyrinth. That I'm constantly standing in the front of two doorways. I never know what's behind them. I never know where I'm headed.

3.16.2015

Moving Up The MRI

Oh man, my face has broken out into blisters. Good grief, I am a ball of stress. This always seems to happen in the days/weeks before an MRI. Seriously, sometimes I feel like I'm a woman trapped in a neurotic miniature chihuahua's anxiety problems. Between the seizure and my skin, I am getting some major warning signs that I need to get this MRI over with. I'm scared, like usual, and no matter what I do (nap, meditate, walk, garden, clean, work) things do not seem to be getting better. Last night I was texting back and forth with my bro, and I sent him this quick pic to make him laugh (and illustrate the blisters).


What is it with skin; when you have skin problems it cuts you to the core. And hell, it isn't even necessarily the vanity, these suckers hurt. To try and abate the issue, I just called University of Washington to push up the scan schedule. I should be getting a call back within 24-48 hours to see if I can just get it over with on Saturday (it was supposed to be April 4th). That would give preliminary results on Monday. As you guys know, I get my brain scans here in Seattle, then I mail the disk to UCLA and they usually submit to the tumor board. I tend to get their results in a few weeks, but since the scan takes place at UW, I can head to the UW medical records department and get a copy of the radiology report. That would give me the results I need. Good or bad. Scary or not. I could have answers by Monday. Monday. Wow. That just made me lightheaded.

Isn't it weird how scary it is to get an MRI when the truth of the matter is that it's just a snapshot. It's a peek into whatever is already happening in my brain. The MRI won't change anything. It's only a fancy internal camera.

Do I feel any worse? Do I have special symptoms? No, not really. I'm always tired, but I think that's pretty standard since the first brain surgery. What will I do if I have a second recurrence? Jeez. I don't really know. I have a file in my email account that's labeled "possible treatments" and I'll need to review that information this coming week. Worse yet, what if all of these off labels drugs, and different treatments have encouraged a more aggressive tumor? What a nauseating thought. Well, if I do have tumor growing back, and it's uptaking contrast dye, that usually means that it would be a higher grade. And if that's the case, then eff bomb. I guess we'll scramble for a new path, or stay on the same path but pack on additional treatments.

What a weird life I live. I'm constantly in troubleshoot mode, always scheming for backup plans, always preparing for surprises so that I can be ready. I never want to walk this earth, with this diagnosis, unprepared. It's interesting, I read an article earlier today about a woman who was diagnosed with GMB (glioblastoma multiforme - stage 4 brain cancer) who went to Duke for an immunotherapy over 9 years ago. She was quoted saying that her father (or maybe it was her grandfather) beat cancer twice in his life and lived to almost a century. His trick was to go back to living life, and so that's what she did. Man that sounds nice. I wish I could do that. I wish I could get out of my head, but I can't. What a beautiful choice to make. Of course, if we all just went back to living our lives after cancer treatment, and just did what we wanted, we might not have as much research. We might not see as many advancements. If we don't drive demand and share information, and keep this momentum, then what? I guess it would work if cancer care was more effective. But the truth is that most brain cancer patients die, and if we all just went back home and enjoyed ourselves, most of us wouldn't be here.

That woman was a part of an amazing clinical trial. Lucky for her she was in the treating group, the placebo group patients are all long dead. And the majority of the others in the treating group are also dead. So maybe she just got lucky? There's always a small sample that responds to treatment, at least for a portion of time. And for the record, I don't mean "lucky" in a snarky way. I am relieved that her treatment worked. Does everyone have to become an advocate? No. That would be crazy for me to say. People have complicated lives, different stories and responsibilities. As my mom would say, "Do what speaks to you." We all have different causes that we believe in, and just because you get diagnosed with brain cancer doesn't mean that it has to become your cause. But, man we can move mountains together. What if she started spreading the word about how well her treatment worked? What if she mobilized funding to run a second clinical trial to create more survivors? Of course this is all easy for me to say, I mean, what have I really done? But the truth is that I've been using morphing cocktail approaches which means I can't pinpoint just one thing on my protocol that has produced my stability. If I could specifically credit one treatment for my success, you'd better believe I would be trying to figure out a way to get it to the masses. Instead, all I can give people is critical thinking, hope, friendship, and resources.

There is no wrong way to handle your life, your cancer. I hope I'm not coming off judge-y. I guess the perfect fix for me would be a little less cancer cancer cancer, and more just live my life. It's a balance,  a very important balance (says the girl with blisters on her face), but my mantra, or more appropriately mission statement, is, "An advancement for one patient is a benefit to all patients." It's actually a statement that I made to a caregiver in an email recently. And it's exactly how I feel. Even though I'm not great about correspondence (if I was to respond to all emails, calls, texts, comments, I would be stuck on the computer or my phone all the time), I work very hard to help connect patients with the information and resources that they need. If I end up having a clean/stable MRI next week it will be just shy of five years from diagnosis. It would also be 2.5 years of being stable. Oh man as I write this I can taste the desire for a good result. I can viscerally feel it. Anyway, I have worked very hard to help people, and I will continue to do so. You all have helped me so much, and continue to help, and my gift is to give back. One of my favorite wonders is the humanity that we share. That we can do so much more together as pairs, as teams, as groups. We're better together.

10.27.2014

October MRI Results

Of course, of course, of course, the day I go to get my MRI results, I have a seizure. (I was at 4.5 months seizure free. DAMN IT.) In fact, not to be outdone, I had two in quite close succession (a window of about 60 minutes. And it took forever to come back down from that short circuit. So stupid. It was humiliating, too. I was in the shower, and started feeling "off". I got out but was confused. I was walking back and forth in the house trying to figure out what what happening, all the while, curtains are peeled back throughout the house and I'm a drenched cat, totally naked. I couldn't think to dry off. Or manually get clothes on. Hopefully I didn't terrify pedestrians walking by. In those moments it's too difficult to even function. And the more you do the more it spurs increasingly aggressive seizures. So I made my way to the bedroom snatched a phone and hit redial. Lucky my mom answered. All I could say was, "mom, I am alone. I'm having a seizure. It's worse than normal. It's going to get bad. I may lose consciousness. Please call Dan to come home." Then I hung up. Once in bed I couldn't move, I was paralyzed. I couldn't feel my right side, then came the painful throbbing. It started in my right arm, and spread up to the brain, then it flushed out from my right hip until my whole pelvis was throbbing in pain. I had never had effects on my pelvis, so that's a new seizure detail. I also don't think I've ever had two seizures in one day. Not a record I wanted to break.

I still made it to the hospital this evening - just before they closed - with Dan's help, to get the radiology report. I had to.

Here it is:

Findings:
There has been prior left frontoparietal crainiotomy for tumor resection. A rim enhancing collection is again seen adjacent to the resection site. On today's study this measures approximately 4.1 x 1.2 cm. This is stable in size compared to previous. No new areas of enhancement are seen. There is unchanged surrounding FLAIR signal abnormality which extends to the ventrical margin.

The midline structures are central and the ventricles are stable in size with minimal ex vacuo dilation.

Impression:
Stable resection cavity and surrounding FLAIR signal when compared to multiple studies. No new enhancement is identified. 

It all looks pretty good to us, but of course we need the final analysis from Dr Linda Liau's tumor board at UCLA.

I would prefer that they didn't have anything on the report to measure (ex: 4.1 x 1.2 cm). But hopefully it's just innocuous. 

For now. I must rest for the remainder of the week. I am going on total and complete hibernation. 

We'll see how that goes. ;)

For tonight, we toast to more good health, to miracles, and hard work, and smiling, and laughter! It all seems to be working pretty well. 



8.01.2014

New Blog Page

Hey Guys, I've been working on this page for a bit. I'm trying to make it easier for tumor fighters to navigate my blog, and the tumor world. I'm pulling essential information to the front page of the blog so that newly diagnosed/newly recurrent tumor fighters don't have to sift through all of the posts to get pointers. I've copied and pasted my list below. If any of you tumor fighters (or anyone in general) have suggestions, I would really appreciate it. I know that I wish I would have had this information when I was originally diagnosed, it would have saved me a lot of trouble, headache, and disappointment. That's what I'm trying to prevent for others.

What to Know About Brain Surgeries


This is a list-in-progress of things I've learned throughout the past few years of fighting brain tumors (feel free to add suggestions in the comments section):
  • You want a neurosurgeon/oncologist that is incredibly familiar with your specific diagnosis (subtype of tumor, molecular abnormalities, etc.). 
  • You want a neurosurgeon that performs 300+ brain tumor resections a year.
  • You want a neurosurgeon that is actively involved in clinical trials for your specific diagnosis/pathology. 
  • Don't be afraid to email doctors, or tumor fighters with websites/blogs to ask questions. Especially if you find a promising clinical trial, look for the lead doctor's name and seek them out and ask questions. Doctors that are conducting clinical trials are very passionate about their work and are happy to help.
  • After your initial MRI (with diagnosis) but before your surgery, your doctors should require a fMRI to make sure that your tumor isn't located in a delicate area of your brain.
  • What is a fMRI? Click for information.
  • If your tumor is located in a tricky area, the doctors may request a partially awake surgery to keep your healthy brain in tact
  • What is a Partially Awake Craniotomy? Click for information. It sounds scary, but you don't want to lose any of your healthy brain, because once it's removed you can't get it back. Depending on where your tumor is growing, if your neurosurgeon doesn't map out your brain, and do an awake surgery when needed, they can cause severe damage to your language areas, your movement, heck, it could really damage you for life.
  • If you have a low grade glioma, or doctors aren't sure, they should request a F-FDOPA PET scan to determine the mass. F-FDOPA PET scans are only available at top brain tumor centers. If you ask for a F-FDOPA PET scan and your doctors aren't familiar, or if they don't have the capability, ask for a referral to a center that does. You may have to travel for it, but trust me, this is your brain. It's worth it. This is especially important for recurrent low grade gliomas. A F-FDOPA PET scan can determine whether an area on a MRI is showing scar tissue, necrosis, or if it is active tumor growth. That is imperative when doctors are wanting to do another brain surgery, or are pushing for treatments like radiation or chemotherapy. You want to make sure that you truly have a tumor growing in your head before you damage your body. I have heard of patients going in for a second brain tumor resection only to find out after the fact that the image on the MRI had only been scar tissue.
  • What is a F-FDOPA PET? Click for information. ("F-FDOPA activity may identify tumor not visible on MRI")
  • Before you go in for surgery ask for your tumor tissue to be flash frozen instead of being put in the standard paraffin wax. That will allow your tissue to remain viable for immunotherapy treatments in the future. Also, ask that they don't use your tissue for testing, that it remain in tact.
  • What is tissue banking? Click for information
  • My most recent tumor is being banked at UCLA. It was flash frozen. It's a miniscule amount (0.17 grams compared to the 2 grams necessary for a DCVax vaccine), but as science progresses less and less tissue will be necessary for personalized tumor vaccines. A little bit is better than none. And if your tissue is stored in paraffin wax, which is the industry standard, it is useless for immunotherapies. 
Okay, that's all I can think of for now. Please leave comments with the things I've forgotten, I appreciate the help. This list is for the sole purpose of helping other brain tumor fighters. We're a small group, and I know that I've learned a lot from my peers.

6.18.2014

UCLA Results

finally mustered the strength to call UCLA for my MRI results. They agreed with the UW radiologists that there is no visable tumor. The fun twist is that instead of automatically planning my next MRI with a Dopa PET at UCLA in October, they recommended that I just stay here in Seattle. If the Seattle MRI shows up questionable, then I will need to fly down for a Dopa PET. So now, all I need to do is keep fighting, stay healthy, and have no new growth in October. Not having to fly down to UCLA would be a huge relief, both financially and emotionally. 

Flowers from Danny after the good news...


My brain is still hazy and slow after my seizure, so this is all I have in me to write. Like an earthquake, there are aftershocks of energy throughout my brain and at times it feels touch-and-go so I really need to force myself to rest. As it always is, I know the threat will subside the longer I make it from the seizure. I just have to be patient.

For now I will relax, falling asleep for my nap with relief, and a smile. I can deal with seizures for the rest of my life, I'd be happy to. Compared to the tumor, they're just like gnats. Annoying, but I can live with them.

5.31.2014

Angels Everywhere

A guardian angel left a rainbow trail today in the middle of the afternoon. Don't see that very often. My photo doesn't even begin to do the colors justice. There was no rain, no precipitation whatsoever. I have no idea how it occurred, but it was magnificent. I've never seen anything like it. It felt alive, as it waved, and inched across the sky. A happy sailor.


According to the MRI tech this morning, we should have the radiology report on Monday afternoon. I have to head down to the medical records department at UW, and check it out, then fax it over to UCLA. I'll let you guys know how it goes. I have no inkling, no premonition, no intuition one way or another. All I do know is that it's a beautiful day, here in Seattle, and I am worn, exhausted. I am sitting, wrapped in a blanket, my feet wiggling as the sun licks my toes. It makes me deeply happy, can't help but laugh at the simpleness in this moment. 




10.05.2012

Possible Exclusion

When I can't sleep, I read about the success of my chosen treatments. Whether it's the results of the current dendritic cell therapy trials at UCLA (around the US, or even the globe), or the supplements and how they selectively induce apoptosis in glioma cells. When I'm afraid, I read. Last night, while trying to get more information, I stumbled upon the Exclusion Criteria for my clinical trial and right up there, first on the list, #1.......Subjects with an active infection.

AAAAAH!!!

My temperature is gone, my throat still hurts but it's getting better. I have been sitting on my bum or sleeping. This is so frustrating! The whole point of this trial is to train your immune system to attack the tumor. If my immune system is down the vaccine will not be as effective, perhaps not effective at all. I understand the exclusion, and that means I have to get my act together. Looks like I'll be laying low. I even asked Dan to pick me up a face mask for my flight. Yep, I'm going to be one of those weirdos that will be wearing a sickie mask, the bird flu kind, it's ridiculous. Oh well. Gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm sorry if I'm not returning very many texts, emails or phone calls. It's not that I don't think about all of my amazing friends - I do! All the time. It's one of the things that keeps me going, remembering all of the laughter, and fabulous ridiculousness of my life. But, it's true what they say, when you're fighting a beast like cancer you have to focus your priorities, and although I wish it wasn't the case, I have to focus all of my energy on resting and preparing for my trip. I'd rather be running the lake, going to dinner, or having a glass of wine with my girlfriends. Actually, I'd probably rather be doing ANYTHING other than preparing for another brain surgery. I can't think of much I would like to do less than a brain surgery. I only have so much energy at a given time, especially when a treatment is around the corner. I imagine it's like being a mother of young children. Your children have immediate needs and they can't take care of themselves. That's like cancer. All of a sudden, at times, everything else in your life falls by the wayside. I'm sorry that I'm not a very good friend right now. I hope that you can forgive me. I read all of my emails, text messages, etc., and I appreciate them so much, I just might not be able to respond.

On Tuesday, I got a copy of the only photo we have of Dan and I at Dallas & Kelley's wedding in Chicago. I think I'm so nervous to see what I actually look like in full shots that I've stopped taking them. I need to get over myself. It probably sounds weird, but I feel happy and healthy and I don't want to be analyzing my appearance, which I tend to do. Sorry it's a little bit blurry, Jen's daughter Kai took it :) I find it absurd that I can get caught up in such trivial things when deep in my soul I know I have a serious issue. I'm a contradiction of survival and vanity. It's confusing and embarrassing at the same time. How can a girl who has her life on the line be concerned about her looks, about material things, surface stuff, or image. I'm an anomaly to myself. I guess, in the midst of all the craziness, I still want to be a woman who's attractive and put together. To look as good as I feel.


I'm juggling a lot of things emotionally, physically, even spiritually. It's weird to ride the waves of cancer. One fabulous note that I realized I haven't shared, is that after April's MRI, my parents sent a copy of every single MRI to an independent radiology reading center. They did not get any extra information. They did not get my pathology or diagnosis. They didn't know the names of my doctors, or the treatment that they were recommending. My parents did it behind my back and just recently told me the result. The specialist who reviewed all of my MRIs said that my tumor has not grown.

I'm not sure what the deal is with the University of Washington and their radiology department. Do you remember when I talked to my doctor about how my radiology reports from the MRI readers stated that the tumor had not grown, yet my doctor and the nurse were trying to prove to me by measuring the tumor at my appointment to convince me to do radiation? What the heck?!? Or what the HELL is more appropriate. Please beware of my story. I have the top radiation oncologist at the UW who also teaches at the college and works at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. I have no idea why there would be a discrepancy between those who read my MRIs and my doctor, but something is very fishy. I'm just grateful that I did not listen to my doctor. My brain would have been long fried and who knows how badly that would have turned out. I'm not necessarily against doing radiation but I would want to do it as a last resort. If my protocol is working, why beat a sleeping monster with a sledgehammer. Just tranquilize it.

So far, from October to April I was able to stop the growth of the tumor. I skipped the MRI in July due to the attack, so six months will have passed when I have my MRI on 10/15/12. Hopefully, I've been able to continue the trend, maybe even reversed it some. Anyway, I just wanted to share that information about the MRI readings. It is so important to analyze the information. It is imperative to get copies of all of your reports and look at them yourself. And if something doesn't sit right, pay the extra money and get an independent review. The worst case scenario is that you might be wrong. That you should do what your doctor is telling you. That you might be back at step one and out a little bit of money. But so what. At least you'll know that you checked your bases. Be strong, and follow your gut. Take whatever little energy you have and put it toward advocating for yourself. Don't just follow the cattle chute. You are the only one who can find the best cure for your body. There are so many successful treatments and there is no doctor in the world versed in all of the options. Be your own general manager, please don't be afraid of taking charge, and sometimes that means giving leniency to those on your team. Back in April I told my parents that they could solicit reviews of my case from other sources, I just didn't know that they were going to go through with it :) 

Thanks mom & dad for doing that review behind my back. If you have someone who can take the hits for you, double check things, etc. it's nice to not have to field the blows all the time. If the news was bad I would never have to know, but since it was positive it ended up being a gift. They knew that I wasn't going to do radiation anyway at this point so they felt no need to stress me out or fire me up right away. They waited for the right moment, once my mom had a martini in her :) She and I are open books that way. So there you go. A huge blog today, I guess I had a lot on my plate and it feels good to get it out. I fly out on Monday, and on Tuesday morning I have my Dopa PET scan to make sure that I actually have tumor tissue not just scar tissue. Let hope for a miracle! I probably won't know the results until the 16th. Of course, I'll let you know as soon as I can. Love to you all!

9.12.2012

Scalpel, Skin, Saw, Skull

I've been mentally running around like a crazy person trying to plan this trip to UCLA. I have six different appointments already scheduled. I just got off the phone a little bit ago where the gentleman said that they won't schedule my post surgery pathology appointment because they will need to review the results and decide if they're going to recommend further treatment, like chemotherapy or radiation. Once they have their recommendation (hopefully NOTHING), they will decide if I need an appointment with Dr Liau or a specialist. Fingers crossed for just Dr Liau! Of course, I can always opt out of those treatments, but it's still a scary concept to acknowledge that the DNA of my tumor could have morphed into a higher grade. That's a very scary thought, one that only swims around the periphery of my mind, a possibility but not my current reality. It's important for me to not get caught up in the "what ifs." And anyway, I feel great! So there.

Can you believe I'm doing another brain surgery? It's almost exactly 2.5 years after the first one. That seems very quick, and yet, an entire lifetime. They're going to cut through my beautiful, unknowing, innocent little skull. They will use scalpels, a saw, and other tools. They will peal back my skin, pull off a portion of my skull. They will cut small nerves. They will dig around, separating the brain tissue and tumor. They will do all kinds of things, moving and removing things in the most intimate part of my body. They will be working on the area where my most inner thoughts and feelings, my genius and my ignorance are dancing. I speak of a brain surgery the way that most people discuss their grocery list, but here I am, getting quite serious. I guess it's time. After the last brain surgery, I never wanted to have to do another one ever again - and yet here I am CHOOSING do it. Crazy stuff.

I feel better than I have even from before the surgery, before the diagnosis. I hope that I don't have a major regression from the surgery, any type of set back - like death, or blood clot like last time - because I'm feeling fantastic, incredibly healthy, superhuman even :) I'm just so grateful for this opportunity, yet afraid as well. I mean, seriously, they're venturing into my brain. Yes. It's a big deal. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. Gotta take risks in life in order to have success, and I do believe that this is an educated risk that very well might be the biggest success of my life. Why not believe that I can beat this? Why not believe that we can beat anything?


One of my favorite trees along Green Lake. I'm soaking up all of the beauty around the neighborhood, storing the images in my memory bank to fill me up while I'm gone in LA.

I love the flower memorial that has been continuously updated since they chopped down this sick tree along the lake. However, I'm quite confused because they're killing flowers in the process to recognize the death of the tree, doesn't that seem hilariously ironic?

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